The night started approaching as the last sun rays illuminate my face. The disappearance of the sun signalizes, soon to be the appearance of the moon. Which indeed emerge not long after.
The night sky was full of stars with a full moon in its highest position.
They helped lighten a little this dark night. In the air, you could feel the festival atmosphere and wherever you looked, you will be greeted with the sight of Christmas decorations.
The park I was currently in, feels kinda empty as of right now. Well maybe ”feels ” isn the best word to describe it because the park was indeed empty. For 1 hour, I didn see a living soul walking by but thats kind of understandable. I guess at that time of the day most people are at home, enjoying their time together with family.
”Huff… ” I sighed and tried to take another gulp from my flask to forget my depression and confusion about what to do with my life at the moment, but it seems the world doesn give me crap as even such a little salvation is taken from me.
My right hand that taken the flask. Shook and let go of the container. Which resulted in it landing on the ground and spilling all alcohol that I saved for times like this.
”Fuck! ” I shouted then looked at my right hand angrily which seems so useless now, but it seems hopeless to beat my own hand so I found a better target. Which was a flask that was still laying on the ground.
I wobble stood up and took a couple of steps away from where I was sitting. Then I speed up to kick this hateful flask…
At that time, If there was to be someone in the heart of the park. He or she would be surprised to see a drunk man with dark blond hair, blue eyes, 178 cm. tall with a nice physique and face most people would grade for 7.5/10.
Trying to properly run but failing miserably. His run looked more like jogging and every step was like, he would fall over any second now. This is, not even mentioning that he was clearly not running in a straight line.
Then suddenly the man kicked something, causing him to lose balance and crash onto the pavement.
”Argh ” I groan in pain. I now regret doing that.
Even though, I am now drunk. I didn blackout completely. I can still understand what I did just a minute ago was pretty stupid. Its just that when I am drunk. I am not used to thinking that much.
I slowly stood up, shook off any snow that got into my clothes, and sat on the bench, I was sitting on beforehand.
Then I started to do what I did for the past hour. Which was stargazing.
”Sign…You truly never realize how some things are really important to you. Until you lose them. ”I said to myself with a little sarcasm and started to think about my life until this point.
My name is Alex in this beautiful night, where snowflakes are dancing in the sky. Where they tickle my skin, filling me with their cold touch. I celebrate my birthday with the moon and stars, only by my side.
Yep, today is my 28 birthday. Hurray!!
But actually, Im not that happy today. To be honest, I gonna mark this birthday as the shittest birthday ever, I had.
Well, my life is in shambles. Today a doctor told me something like this:We are really sorry but it will be impossible to return your hand to its former efficiency, but if we start a rehabilitation program now. There is a possibility of diminishing some of the lasting effects. So I would advise you to blah, blah, blah…
After that, I don remember much because I was in my own little world already back then.
Its not the first time that I got injured in the mission, and its not the first time, I took A bullet. I thought that he will speak some usual shit about taking a rest and eating healthy but it seems… This time, I was wrong.
I was devastated. For a second, I couldn believe it. That meant I will lose my job and something that I had always been searching for. Something just broke within me at that moment. Which leads me here to this park. Where I started to question my life choices.
All my life, I was searching for a reason for my existence. I didn want to live and die as nobody. I wanted to do something meaningful in my life. I was searching for a reason to live but I couldn find it.
Until I become 18 years old and finish school. Then the war broke up with one of our neighbors. There was fear and confusion when the war started.
My parent thought they were going to draft me into the army but it seems the war wasn going that bad because the country didn forcefully conscript people of age.
When summer arrives and people got a little calmer. My father said it was time for me to get a job and he got me one at his friends business. I really hate it when people make decisions for me and especially if its something important. So I got a little angry and told him that I am going to the army.
For the last months, I was struggling with this idea that I know my parents will disagree with, I was not sure if I really want to do this but when I had to choose between the military and just maybe finding my purpose or a boring job as a salaryman. The choice was obvious.
Of course, I didn mean to say it in anger like that. I wanted to find a good moment to tell them but it was too late now.
After that, I had a big argument with my dad. At that time I was like:I am an adult and I can decide for myself. I was really stubborn back then and to be honest. I don think, I got any less stubborn as I grow older.
On that night, I ran away from home and headed to the nearest recruiting center. From there, you can imagine what happened.
One of my regrets is. That I never reconcile with my parents. Maybe now that I will have to retire anyways. I will have time to do that…
I pondered a little and smirked with my characteristic smile which others describe as smiling but only with eyes and returned to looking at the sky.
I never understood people that could gaze at the stars for hours. Isn it boring? I said that to my friend some years ago. Wondering a little why he always took some of his free time to look at the stars at night.
His answer or maybe its better to say no answer. Was just a light smile and a pair of wise eyes that had a story of its own. At that time, I didn understand what he mean but now, I gaze at the black sky and the only word that comes to my mind is:
Well now, I think that I can understand him a little better.
Maybe just maybe, its a work of fate. That is telling me to start my life anew. To find a new goal. This time something smaller.As great as protecting my country and its people sound.With my current condition, I will have to find something else.
But the thing is. Now that I am leaving the army for sure, questions started popping into my mind. That I didn know about or maybe it is better to say, I knew but didn want to think about before like:
Was joining the Special Forces a mistake after the war ended?
Did I truly find my goal in going to the army?
I killed a lot of people in my career am I a murderer?
To be honest, I don know the answers to all these questions but to be honest, I feel its quite pointless to think about them now.
Don look back. Look straight ahead of you. You can change your past but you can change your future. These were the words of my grandfather who passed away when I was young and I am still following them until this day.
”ahhhh-hhaaaaaa ” I yawned. I was getting quite sleepy. Its now the middle of the night and I drank before. Which made me even more drowsy. I tried to fight it but my eyes were closing on their own. Finally, I succumb to the temptation and went to the dreamlands just like that.
Time went by and stars sifted in the black sky. The air started to feel cold and chilling to the bone. Then a snowstorm appeared from the sky, touching and frenzying everything on its path. Marking today as a really cold night.
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