I saw a sky today and what a beautiful sky! An endless dimension of possibilities…Every cloud was in its proper place. Well-aligned with its purpose. However, its purpose was not very clear and that is what got me to gaze deeper. As I wanted to know, for it presented a certain divinity in beauty that my eyes could not ignore. As my eyes stared as they starred and soon began to tear. Maybe I was too happy. Maybe I was too sad that the clouds were moving away against my thoughts. My thoughts were stable, constant in their belief. That the view was of an endless charm. A onetime in life to see. I saw it as I believed it. I believed in the finite and saw the infinite. After this long time, how could it be?
It is true that one of these moments makes a person question their understanding. That maybe, only maybe, their wish was granted from day one, but spent the entire lifetime discovering what they already know. Considering the option – which is close to real as it makes sense-, it explains the sense of familiarity a person feels when they look at something around them especially celestial elements. I have always felt a sense of belonging every time I gazed at the sky. Most especially at night. As it became too clear, to notice and to testify. I did notice but never had the urge to testify. Never imagined seeing it again, that celestial light. For I have lost it one day. I adored it more than loved it. I admired it more than liked it. Everything made sense although had a minimal percentage of logic. However, it made sense. As it manifested in beauty generating an endless ecstasy, of hope, dreams, and most certainly love. I loved it before knowing what love feels like. Irresistible. It run into me and out of me as I watched its glow enchanting my eyes, which were always tearing. As my sense of suffocation amplified. Thought I was the only one in the room, suffocating, but I was not.
It was indeed a meaningful meeting that makes a person curse the roads he had been taking as they were unstable and never led, to this. This thing that makes sense. I remember you made sense of my entire being. As I manifested through you. Saw my truth within you. Had a terrible attempt trying to live without you. You were the delicacy I needed to conceal my wounds. I have been bleeding my entire past days out on my present days, as it was too traumatic and most importantly, did not lead to you…
I remember the first day we met. On a hot summer day. My favorite day. Although I do not like summer or heat. But you embodied my saying; you were the soft breeze on a summer day. I liked you since day one… Day one, was indeed my birthday. I saw my birth in you and never out of you as it was my inevitable death… I am difficultly trying to remember, as I happen to have this habit of ignoring events that do not make sense. At first you most certainly did not make sense. As it was senseless. An entire scene of blurriness. Did not want to participate, knowing it was a good show. All of its participants were low quality members. I thought I will be too clear for you to see, so I never participated. However, you admired it and I was left alone from day one. As you were nowhere to be found. I looked around to find only my shadow following me to every corner of my lonely streets and sleepless nights…
When the morning came I decided, that this time I will try and reach the level of your expectations. I will walk their walk, pronounce their speech and believe every word. As I never believed that finite matters could hold infinity. But you were, one of the infinites. Saw you in bright lights with rosy eyes. As you appeared something of a true value. To guard and to keep. It was unique and most certainly, rare. Felt like I found the last jewelry in the world. Loved it too profoundly. Swore to protect it with my life. However protective I was, your indifference hit its maxim as you ignored my words and avoided my gaze.
Was I a fool to love you? The irony though. My entire entourage raised their red flags when they saw you, except for me…
Was I a fool to love you? As my lost balance the day I saw you on the shore and wished to God I had never sailed. I have been sailing, for years now. Never lost direction as I always followed my logical interpretation. In search of the sense hidden in things and places.
I will not mention my preschool days because little control I had over my being. Everything was already predetermined to be in its right place. As my mother entirely made me. The one who gave me breathe before life. She was my life that I was living for. It is true that my heart only knew her as my pride. Imagined her my forever guide. My everlasting forever… No one else but my mother filled me body and soul with light that not only shone the brightest but also, spread. Reaching everyone and everywhere. As it eventually reached, you. You disliked my brightness. Forgive me…it was the only thing I have ever knew. I grew up on light as much as you grew up on darkness. I worshiped beauty and you worshiped all types of ugliness (on a soul level). As you were chasing I was leading. Total opposition, in directions. Not sure how did my ship reached your land?. You only and only you, as I looked around and saw no other lands but yours…
You became a need more than a consultation. Days only amplified the depth of my need. As I needed you days and nights. You hated the night however. You said it reminded you of how lonely you were. I was next to you though. Didn I capture your sight, or was I invisible all along? I saw the familiar waves coming my way, but this time I did not want to survive. I wanted to drawn maybe you would save me. That you would see the need in my eyes and take me to your land where I will happily reside. I wanted to be introduced to you, in total innocence. I wanted you to hook me with the depth of your soul. I wanted to learn your language and speak it as my native language. I wanted to be one of you, unconditionally. To say your words, to think your thoughts, and be your forever and always. Sadly, my imagination was again surpassing my reality. Carelessly, you turned away ignoring the scene including my drowning. I screamed at my ship to rise again, but it was too late. It had drawn with my heart in it.
Broken to pieces, my soul was shattered so I swam to your shore. I did not know any other. It was you that I chose to live for, and it was me that you chose to leave to death. As I saw you attending one of your pleasant shows. I hid behind the bushes wondering as I looked at you; ”will you ever notice? ” You were too busy to notice, my thoughts echoing in dissociation, or view my hands trembling, longing for your touch. As I saw what I wanted. An overflow of perfection, in both looks and manners. As I saw a high quality, too far to reach. I held on to the bushes, my eyes were fixed upon you while you were enjoying your being to the fullest. Having the best time of your life with everyone else but me. You did not look around and most certainly did not look back. So I walked away. Cursing the day, I left my ship for savage waves. It was in their nature to destroy whatever humans were constructing. It was a force of nature that a persons capacity was totally minimized.
I loved you despite all inner and outer forces. Despite my doubts and unbelieves, I did. I ignored the natural order and followed, for the first time in my life, my sentiments and their ruling. It was a rule and little choice did I have but to obey. I wanted you for infinity and beyond, and you never noticed. We used to sit next to each other on the train, I remember each one had their favorite view. You were admiring nature and its colorful manifestations. And I was admiring, you. Despite your carelessness dear, I would never replace my view. It was you and what a lovely you!
You seemed surprised by the way I saw you. I remember you look the other way when our eyes cross. Intimidated by yourself. But, I guess it was something we both shared back then. I was running from me while you were chasing you. Time only revealed the big secret that you were always me and I was running from you since day one. Knowing this resulted in the most profound pain I have ever felt in my life. I felt I was being ripped off from my own being with my absolute total consent. I did not notice but did feel, my heart totally wounded. Having no ability to heal it, as I always do…
But this time was the different one. You widened my vision that ultimately saw the depth of my feelings as they were too clear, for me to express. One night, I decided to confront you with the truth. Hoping, but knowing. That you will reject it. All you have ever known were lies as this was the truth you were running from. That you are loved by me. So profoundly and sincerely I do. What an admirer of lies you were. You pretended not to know me. Hanging up and leaving me in my own tears once again.
Was I a fool to love you? Indeed I was but not because I loved you. Love is beautiful. And I am the happiest to have experienced it. Not sure why it was you although I am not a lover of pain, and that was the only sentiment I have received from you.
Years passed and I was relieved of my memories especially. I was forgetting your presence breath by breath until there was no more you to exist in my memory. I forgot you to have the urge to move on with my life. I continued living after losing my ship, abandoning the show, and walked towards the total unknown. I looked back hoping you will be there at your shore like the first time we met, waving. But you were not, and I realized you never welcomed me to your land. You have always been waving your goodbyes, I just did not notice. It is true that love is blind and I was blind from day one. Seeing the mass of fireworks spreading like diamonds then fading away in the darkness of the night.
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